nothing... because that's what it was all about...
sigh... people are so stupid sometimes, and by sometimes, i mean most of the time, and by people, i mean me.
there are so many things i want to say, but i can't bring myself to do it. even here, when i know the exact consequences of my words will be that 3 people will skim and partially retain their content, even when i know not only what needs to be said but why, and how. because i'm a coward. or maybe because i've taken too many steps in the opposite direction on too many separate occasions and now i don't know how to turn around and walk in truth anymore, to be real and actual and human. because i've spent so much time convincing myself that i'm not a human being, that i'm less, that because of things in my life that i can neither love nor change, i'm something that is to be cast out of the general acceptability of humanity. and now, as a result, i'm resigned, through my own devices, in my own understandings, to nothing, to abasement (and not my parents' basement, either), to the acceptance of "facts" about who i am and what i don't deserve.
it's like russian roulette, these games i play... the only thing i ever "win" by playing is the freedom from having to lose everything - i suppose it justifies, in some impersonal, vague, and larger-than-myself kind of way (God, Fate, etc.) my having good things at all, like i'm trying to convince myself that i deserve good things through the potential for their loss, if they survive, then it's fair for me to have them...
sort of like abraham at the altar, poised and ready to sacrifice his son and God's promise to him - i'm waiting hopefully for God to provide so that i don't have to kill the things that i love. if they survive, i deseerve them, or it's at least permissible by the powers that be that i retain them - not so much that i actively deserve good things, just enough validation of my humanity to show me, for a little while, that i DON'T directly deserve to NOT have good things. that i'm not inherently reprehensible on a level that prohibits me from the enjoyment of those things, even if they don't last, that i don't specifically deserve nothing but suffering.
which means that i'm still drawing my worth from external things that i'm manipulating to give me the answer i "want", or expect, at least. what i have is not what i am, any more than where i live is what i am, or what my life looks like now is what i am. but i don't really believe any of that...
God doesn't judge us like this. but that just makes it all worse, because somehow, i'm failing again, can't see myself with anything approaching the love that God has, and that's because my understanding of love is remarkably flawed, and i lack the love to fix it, just like i lack the conviction to fix my lack of conviction, just like i lack the courage to address my cowardice, just like i lack.
period.
and the source is a God that knows me and loves me despite knowing me, which is more love than i have ever found in tangible places on earth. and if i could put all my hope in the intangibles, in a God who's face i can't see, i would.
but i still DON'T KNOW HOW.
how long will it continue to matter?
posted by Corus Aquilo @ 1:59 PM
5 Comments:
How long will it continue to matter?
That is truly a question to be pondered. Today I felt like I was faced with a choice: sinning or not sinning. Not an unusual choice, but today it felt different. It felt like if I chose to sin, it might be the last time I ever get to make that choice. Like I'm slipping down an icy hill that is gradually getting steeper. Today it became a cliff, and this last choice was the well-placed cliff-branch. I had to grab it, cause there's nothing else coming to save me.
Make sure you keep asking that question, and bale out before it's too steep.
I continue to enjoy your writing. And I'm glad for the chance to get to know you a little. Let me know if there's anything we can talk or pray about.
Scott
i would like to have something profound to say. But i don't.
i'd like to promise you that I read your work with a fine tooth comb and that I will retain it for weeks or months or years; i didn't and i likely won't. this says much more about me than it does about you... but it is of no relativity to our friendship, rather of my tiredness and incapacity to read right now due to studying and staying up all night.
in the same way, though i'm sure that it annoys you that i have this falicy you're not going to call me on it too harshly. rather, you're going to write about it's likelihood before i even admit it.
still, my innability to comprehend you fully has not (as of yet) led to a falling apart in our friendship. rather, you know that most of the time i'm happy to see you, and that my incapacity to know you is a lack of ability and not a lack of want.
God created us and obviously He recognises that more than we do.
i encourage you to start thinking about yourself as less than perfect, or less than worthy, or less than human. Your worth is not determined by you or what you've done, but rather by Jesus' death for your salvation.
Do not be discouraged. Do not be afraid. The Lord your God watches over you, and He loves you, and He smiles.
jordan... interesting... did you mean to say that you encouraged me to start thinking of myself as less than human? because that's all i do, brother. i figure it's just a typo and you meant to put the word "stop" in that critical verb location. either that or i'm not understanding what it is you're trying to say. either way, know that what i said was not judgment reserved for those who know me, or even claim to want to, but rather judgment upon myself, for not letting myself be known. i judge no one but me, always and ever.
scott... your comments are always an encouragement, and i truly appreciate them, and you. how strange, the way life changes, the way people change. you have become much more than you were. a lesson to all of us who are still working backward and becoming less.
That's funny, if anything I feel like less than I ever was. I guess that's a lesson in how perspective is such a bizarre and pivotal thing, how it changes everything. Nonetheless, I appreciate you saying something so encouraging in a day when encouraging things are slightly less than hip. I've always been slightly less than hip, but it doesn't seem to help me encourage anybody. hmmm.
Hey...I don't think you know me, but I was just reading over your blog and wanted to say something in the hope of encouraging you. I struggle with some of the same things, and God has been challenging me in that recently. I just wanted to remind you, like you said in your new post, that "completion cannot be undone." I often feel like a complete failure, but I take comfort in knowing that God knows we're like grass - he knows we'll fall, that we're like children who just cannot wrap our minds around his love - and he picks us up and loves us anyway. Even when we're fooled by the lies that tell us we are nothing and we can't do any better, God still whispers, "You are mine. I have completed you. And that is enough."
Anyway, enough of sounding like Max Lucado. God bless you, friend. Eph. 3:16-21
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