choices. the sequel.

the problem with...
wait.
i dislike starting posts this way, and apologize if it makes it sound like i'm looking for the flaw, like i'm tearing something down... i'm not. when i talk about the flaws, the difficulties, the obstacles to overcoming, they are not the focus. instead, i'm looking for the answer. hoping, begging from myself, from others, from anyone who might know, to find the solution. there can be no solution without a recognition of the problem.
so like i was about to say...
the problem with discovering that we are who or what we choose to be is that we then have to make a choice. this, in itself, is not necessarily difficult for a lot of people. but it is for me. because one of the central beliefs i have formerly created in the formation of my character is an inate inability to make decisions, a foreknowledge that i will most likely make the wrong one, a paralysis of contemplation of consequences and possibilities that leaves me mired in between all of the potential versions of me, stranded, a stranger to everyone, most particularly myself, because of all the things that are so uncertain, so flimsy, mirages of someone who may or may not ever become me.
so the first necessary choice is to choose to change my view of the concept of choice itself.
yikes.
the solution, as is often the case, has so much potential to become part of the problem, to perpetuate the weaknesses, to give me the excuse i crave to do nothing, the cop-out from effort, from change, that will allow me to wallow once more in all the insecurities that are immensely familiar and comfort me in the same way that liquor comforts the reluctant alcoholic. it's fake comfort, hollow, and if i could just stop drinking altogether, i'd feel better, live better, and be a better companion on the road to all the people who still remain in my life, the ones who have yet to tire of the facade.

but it's less and less of a facade each day.
the choice is easy, in fact, to make. once. or twice.
the real, absolute difficulty, as the drunk will assuredly tell you, is not putting down the bottle, or even deciding not to pick one up for a while.
it's a permanance of choice that is truly difficult. a complete change. wholeness.
because how do you ever know if this is the way you're supposed to go? how can you ever be certain that you won't want to go back? and if you do, does that invalidate the previous choice to leave it in the first place? if you destroy everything from your old life, and then find yourself wanting it back next week, how do you keep from hating yourself for impeding your selfishness, when it's all you can see in the blaze of your pride? how do you accept humility as being a denial of the indulgences that you don't think you can live without, and then step out and PROVE that you can live without them, only to falter and prove that you CAN'T, in fact, the moment you step back?
of course, that's just a mistake, and people make mistakes all the time, fail, fall. that's what's going to happen when you try... nobody succeeds all the time, it's impossible. and ego hates that. failure isn't just one failure to ego... it's a label, it's something inescapable.

but the TRUTH is, it's not permanant. we're not our mistakes, we're what we choose. what we want to be. what we allow ourselves to believe we are. and we deceive ourselves SO much.

i'm rambling. it's time to stop.
i'm choosing to stop.

this time.