i don't even really know...
this isn't going to make a lick of sense to anyone, and for that, i'm sorry... but it's in my head, and i can't keep it, it smells funny and i'm starting to see things that don't exist, the fumes have to stop before i go blind or insane.
it's the things we cost ourselves that seem to come with the most interest, the most hidden bank fees, the most subtle perpetual price. it doesn't matter what size they are, although it seems to me, especially lately, that it's the little things that actually end up feeling the biggest... the tiny things that make us feel normal, the things that shouldn't be a problem, that should be the easiest to experience and to use to make us a part of regular humanity.
i want to go sledding on saturday. it would be a lot of fun. i can't, and it bugs the hell out of me. i know it's entirely, or almost entirely, my fault, althought i can think of a million ways, even now, to shift the blame and justify the way i feel to myself. but i don't benefit from that justification... the ways i would absolve myself are really created for the express purpose of explaining myself to others in a way that makes me acceptable in their eyes... i'm so seldom acceptable in my own, because i've spent my life building my appearance to convince others of whatever concepts of reality i wanted them to have at the time... a seperate version of me for everyone, custom-tailored to their expectations as i choose to interpret and infer them.
i'm tired of all of that, really i am, and i'm trying my hardest to be authentic... but part of being authentic is explaining the lies, the history... and that has the potential to bring it all to the forefront again, to create illusions that are not even deliberate, to give impressions that i once gave, rather than the reality that i so badly want to give now...
what to do... what to do...
hope, i guess.
trust, that everyone will see the truth, that reality will make itself whole and real... that all will reveal itself for what it is, for once.
here's hoping.
posted by Corus Aquilo @ 12:24 PM
1 Comments:
i have been (still am?) in a place where i was in a limbo between being some kind of fake (like a straw man, i guess) who longed to be authentic and some kind of real person who longed to be loved but was scared of the history that had brought me to that point.
i was stuck on knowing, in my head, that it's not worth having 'friends' that only accept me while i'm fake, but also desperately wanting to keep the first friends i'd ever really had.
it's a crazy cost, indeed, coming to let someone know us.
i will try to love you regardless of the burden of past you put on me. i cannot say that i won't - whether in wisdom or in foolishness - change things as a result of things that i learn and didn't know... but in a sense that's why you'd tell me, right?
i hope for you, too. i hope that you realize that even as straw men on earth, we're children of God in His eyes, and that makes all the difference.
you are beautiful.
(and i'm sorry that sledding didn't work out.)
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