the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away...

i need to change my perspective.

the other night, i had one of those long, open, frightening conversations with someone about who i used to be, what my life was, etc. i have seldom had to have one of these that was real, since most of the time people are more than willing to have these conversations about me, or around me, and use their own presumptions rather than anything i might actually say.
but i'm already straying from the point.
perspective.

i went into the conversation terrified, and somewhat hopeless, because most of what i can remember is loss, and as such, my point of view has been tainted by experience to the point where i forsee the loss long before it comes, and simply assume it's going to come, since it's easier that way, and it's what i know, what i'm familiar with, what i understand.
hence i was somewhat taken aback by the fact that i have not, in actuality, been discarded. it's strange, and alarming, and beautiful.

i'm sure that there was a time, in my life, when a victory was enjoyed as such, that i could revel in the goodness that came my way and look at it exclusively as a good thing.
and here's where the change needs to happen. i need that back.

despite it all, despite all the junk i dumped in her lap, she decided, based on who i am, on my character, on the me that she got to know already, that i could still be likeable... and liked. and i'm grateful. really, i am. but i can't help shifting, almost immediately, to all the people who couldn't do that, and how they should have been the ones that could. and instead of filling me with wonder and joy, i'm filled with a lamenting sorrow for all the unnecessary loss.

which isn't to say that acceptance, for once, isn't nice. just that the people from whom i thought it could most be expected were the ones that didn't give an ounce. and by comparison, i had few if any expectations here, and it worked out well. not that i expected it, ever, for myself, but i always expected more out of the people who offered the least.
and it only adds to the confusion to know that, of all these people, the ones from whom i was most readily discarded were supposedly strong christians with beliefs contradictory to the concept of excommunicating me, whereas the only person, so far, who has decided i'm still worth some kind of relationship, is not.

but see, this is where i don't want to go. i'm straying, badly, into all the hurt and scorn that i still feel and carry, and it's got to go... it's not unforgiveness, at least, at this point... it's just sorrow, plain and simple... i miss the people that i still love who harbor no desire to feel that love anymore... it makes me sad to know that my love was once valuable to them but now is nothing but an impediment to their otherwise functional lives.

but i suppose that's the point of all of this... that i want to be able to focus on the victories, in no matter how small a percentage of my experiences, and live in the peace of knowing that love and happiness and all those things are still possible once in a while... that way, i will not be so afriad of letting people know me, will not be so suffocated by the impending loss that i will disclose nothing and simply be a front, a facade that i wish i could change because it makes me feel cheap and inauthentic and deceptive.

my goal is not to deceive anyone.
i don't know, yet, if i have a life that makes that completely possible, but i'm working on fixing the problems, really i am, and all i ask is for that one small remaining modicum of patience that most people are unwilling to give to me. because, at the end, i'm almost convinced that i'm going to be worth it. but it doesn't mean anything unless others are convinced of it too, otherwise, they will simply reverse the process for me all over again and make me believe in my lack of worth, which is something i'm desperately trying to overcome.

anyway, it's time to stop here, for now... but i'm working, i'm hoping, and my hope has been increased by the acceptance i have found. who knows, i may even go looking for more one of these days. it's the only way i will grow. i'm afraid of growth, but then, i'm afraid of everything, so if i've got to bite the bullet one way or the other, might as well take a stab at being functional...
just for a change of pace, you understand.