on a lighter note... for now...

some random nonsense...

today, someone in inventory asked another worker where all their, and i quote, "speed and stealth from the other day" was.
stealth?
the inventory crew, under cover of darkness, approaches the unsuspecting stock... "um, i think there's twelve, i can't really tell in the dark..."
yup, that's us, the inventory ninjas, invisible, deadly, counting your stuff when you least suspect it and vanishing without a trace... MWAHAHAHAHA.
or something.

a few kinds of math that are inescapable...
- stockmath... the process whereby physics is bent in the successful effort to put exactly one more than the possible number of items on a shelf or peg, allowing it to fall only when touched, and once fallen, to never be able to be properly replaced.
- pillowmath... the art of discovering a pillow height for hotel rooms that is marginally too low to be comfortable when using one pillow and marginally too high to be comfortable when two are stacked.
yahoomath... the study of ratios of people to chat, and how they function reciprocally, so that the more people are in the room, the less actual chatting occurs.
- heatmath... an indepth extrapolation of the force of heat as it relates to the human body and it's endurance, the byproduct of which, after years of study, is a motion-activated hand dryer which, when your hands are close enough to cause it to work, is too hot, and, when your hands are moved away to a bearable distance, ceases to work entirely, leaving you drying your hands more by the motion of lifting and lowering them than by the actual machine.

"he lied to us through song! i hate when people do that"
so the lyrics of "the name game" clearly claim that "there isn't any name that you can't rhyme".
you know the song... tony tony bo-bony, bonnana fanna fo fony... etc.
so my challenge, to all who want to take this one up, is to sing it with the following... if it all works out for you, congratulations.
-gweneviere
-ophelia
-abdullah
-alexandria
-demetrius
-sebastian
so the moral of the story is, you can't always trust what you hear in random pop songs from the 60's... let that be a lesson to all of you to just keep listening to all the depressing crap that people sing about now, because it might not be fun, but at least it's... um...

dum... dumm dumm dum...
and now, the adventures of...
ORANGE POWER MONKEY!!!

somewhere, in an enchanted jungle that looks suspiciously like a bunch of loitering trees hatching a devious plot to overthrow mankind, our hero hangs nimbly from his tail and munches contentedly at a banana. the color of the banana is not known, but it is highly suspected to be yellow.
suddenly, quite without warning (written or oral, mind you, obviously he was dealing with savagery beyond comprehension), a pack of tired and overtaxed inventory ninjas, convinced by the overwhelming similarities into believing that they were in a wal-mart, slipped quietly into the woods and began counting trees, upsetting the delicate balance of nature with their strange muttering and blinding the monkeys with the lazers from their scanners.
clearly, this could not continue. clearly, something had to be done. clearly, this was a job for...
ORANGE POWER MONKEY!!!!
hastily abandoning the remains of his banana, he lept nimbly to a higher branch to survey the chaos. blue smocks are everywhere. and already, monkeys were walking up to them, asking them in which aisle they might find the best bananas, like they were actually jungle employees. but he knew better. desperately fighting their mind-altering camoflage power, he struggles up to one, and asks it politely to leave the jungle.
"sorry, i don't work here, you'll have to find someone in a wal-mart smock".
he almost fell for it and looked, at which point, no doubt, the clerk would have sprung his ninja fury on the poor defenseless monkey and all would have been lost.
but staying true to the goal, he persisted. the secret, he decided, his lightning quick mind flashing at super-speed, was in the act of counting.
and so he began placing piles of bananas methodically in a line leading slowly from the heart of the jungle to the adjoining field.
and just as slowly, but with certainty of accomplishing the task set before them, the dazed clerks straggled one by one up to the individual piles and began counting the bananas, working their way out to the field, where they believed they could download and go home.
success!!
once more, orange power monkey has saved the day.
still, so many questions...
what IS orange power monkey's power?
is HE orange, or just the power with which he works his mysterious brand of justice?
how many clerks stayed in the woods undetected?
how many monkeys slipped into the counting line and became western inventory employees, equally undetected?

stay tuned for the answer to at least one of these questions or another question entirely in our next eppisode of...
ORANGE POWER MONKEY!!

ten things that probably arn't well-established internet fetishes... (yet... who knows, shoes caught on...)
cream of mushroom soup and crackers.
tubas.
termite-infested plywood.
calculators.
that strange film that develops on teeth when you haven't brushed in a while.
the canadian dollar.
sticks of trident gum.
canoli.
5 cent blue whales.
the comodore 64.

and so another bunch of gibberish comes to an end.
i've been entertained.

ubba.
ugga.

shoe.

goodnight.