we all live in a yellow subconscious...

the subconscious is a powerful thing. it's truly amazing, the amount of stuff we know that we're not even really aware that we know, the amount of stuff we're thinking about that we have no idea we're even considering.
i was riding in my car the other day, and someone was talking on the radio, mentioning a few band names... a few minutes later, i was whistling a song... i didn't even recognize it at first, had to think about what it was i was whistling... then it came to me... "tinfoil" by limblifter... which, after thinking further about it, i realized was one of the bands the announcer had mentioned...
a few days after that, i was looking through a book of foam buildings that came with a 708 piece 3-D puzzle of St Basil's Cathedral that my girl and i picked up at value village... shortly after thumbing through that catalogue, i was wandering her place and whistling that presidential tune, you know the one, dum, dum-da-dum, dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-daaaa-daaa... anyway, turns out one of the puzzles available in their booklet was, of course, the white house.

so i'm thinking, clearly none of us are as in control of what we're thinking as we claim to be, or want to be, or believe we're capable of being. and that's kinda frightening. because, frankly, i put a lot of crap in my head. and i delude myself into believing that, if i think about it while i'm listening, or watching, or reading, if i just take it on a level of entertainment and deliberately filter out any message, that it won't affect me in the slightest.
how ghastly. how arrogant.
we can't control everything we think. and we're bound to miss messages, intentional or not, or accept them despite our desire to the contrary simply because they make part of us happy, or excited, or alive...
this all, i've got to say, worries me slightly. i don't know exactly what to do about it, either, because while i'm dramatically aware of the benefits of having a purer mind, one less cluttered with all the things i enjoy but that bring me down, that steal my life, my love, my hope, i still cling to those things, duping myself into believing i can have it both ways, can hold on to that stuff for the fun and still excape their cumulative effect on my mental processes...
until i start humming them one day for no reason, and realize how discordant i have become with the rest of the music, how grandly i'm ruining a piece i used to love.
so... get rid of it all, feel legalistic and stupid and weak (even though i know i'm weak regardless)... or keep it, and worry about long-term effects of momentary pleasures.
hmmmm...
so many choices in life are so hard.