analogies that break my heart...

so... you're a kid, you're not that perceptive yet, but bright enough. and you notice that your mom has all kinds of pictures of flowers everywhere. all over her walls, sunflowers, roses, marigolds, every flower you could imagine.
so you decide that you will start giving her flowers. birthdays, aniversaries, mother's day.
and the flowers seem to make her happy. she always thanks you, always puts them somewhere where they'll be visible for a while, always smiles at you like you light her world.
and then one day, she's in the hospital. and she won't tell you why.
so you go down there, explain that you're her son, ask the doctor.
and he tells you that she has a terrible alergy to all kinds of flowers.

she was only taking them because it made you happy to give them to her, and because she loved you and loved the things that you went out of your way to give to her.
but now, she's crippled, and it's all your fault, you thought you were loving her but you were just slowly poisoning her, and she just let you because she loved you.

how do you come to grips with that? how do you forgive yourself? how do you atone for hurting someone you love beyond repair?

i wish i knew.