odds 'n ends

if i could paint,
i would paint
childhood
in a room with no walls
and give it wings to
fly from pain

took inventory at Kidtelligence today. my favorite products:
pliable black family - just like gumby, except politically incorrect. bend them any way you like, they do whatever you want them to. just like slaves. i mean, that is to say, they're your property. i mean... ah, crap.
what would jesus do? the game - examine a bunch of life situations and decide what would be the best, most morally responsible way to approach the problem. unless your name is rod or todd, probably not as much fun as it sounds. and that's saying something.

for those of you who like stuff like the badger song (http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/) or bananaphone (funnier to the badger video... http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/badgerphone.php) i am pleased to present an annoying song that makes learning intolerable... i mean, fun. http://keithschofield.com/pi/std.html

what else...
a scary moment the other day, as i realized how controlled and tensed i must be most of the time... a simple thing, just a haircut. but there, at the basin, enjoying the somewhat pampering western indulgence of having someone wash my hair, i relaxed. and suddenly i was crying. without the facade, without the need to impress people, without the need to have others like me, to not feel burdened with my company, to show that i'm strong, that i'm capable, to prove all those people wrong who think i'm selfish and self-indulgent, without all that, i just fall apart, because that's where i'm at. not because that's where i want to be, but simply because that's where i find myself when i dare look for such a fragile thing.
i'm not sure what to do with this palpable lack of strength; all i know is that it impedes me from making any kind of progress in this world. i would dearly love to have the ambition and heart to try for myself, to make my life work for me on my own terms... but even that would be labelled selfish. there is no victory for those of us for whom pretense is a necessary coping tool.

ah well. off to pay rent. until next time.