a sabbatical of sorts...

i'm not even sure if that's a fair description... like so many words that had distinct meanings at one point in time or another, we've taken a word like "sabbatical" and turned it into a holiday, or a break, instead of a period of religious rest or reflection. as usual, God gets stuck in the back of the room, and we toss a drape over him to dupe our minds into believing that he's just a chair we don't sit in anymore, in order that we can feel better about going out and buying a completely expensive and extravagant chair that we can love and interpret however we want.
whatever, that's not the point.
the point, then, dear readers (like that "s" really needs to be there), that my life is soon taking a rather significant change, in that my internet place downtown is closing this evening due to an insane 150% increase in rent. so my computer access, which has been infrequent at the best of times, will become even more so now. alas. i will still try to get here once in a while, but as of today, i make no guarantees as to my online availability. such is the world in which we live.
so, for now, this is all i say... i will come when i can, i will enjoy my distance as well, to the best of my ability, and if there is any way to make it about God, i'll do what i can, although lately, what i can do is a whole lot of nothing, stripped even of the shiny package in which i used to keep it to impress guests and onlookers.
anyway, have a good one, and i will talk to you again the moment it's convenient.

don't forget me.

music will keep you alive...

my job sucks dirt.
however, that being said, at least the music is good these days...

nine inch nails - with teeth
i don't think i have to say anything more than "dave grohl on drums for trent reznor". everyone should have this album. it's a shame dave's not with queens of the stone age anymore... their last album put me to sleep... which is not what i think they wanted to achieve with "lullabies to paralyze"
system of a down - mezmerize
a little obvious, a little accessible, but still has a few of the best songs they've ever put together. byob is the catchiest thing i've ever heard.
audioslave - out of exile
chris cornell can scream like nobody else in the world, and it's always awesome. his songs are familiar and comfortable, but at the same time fresh and intriguing. i like these guys more every time i listen to them.

and that's all i have to say, because i'm just not into ranting about my rediculous job today, and that's about all i've been experiencing of late.
so adios, and please, go buy at least on of these albums, they're so sweet.

mr brown, mr brown, please let me down...

life is really, honestly like a teeter-totter sometimes. or most of the time.
today, the imbalance i notice is a particularly strong one, and aggravatingly difficult to dispel.
it's the struggle to prove people wrong.
i am at my most functional, my most powerful even, when i'm going out of my way to deliberately prove others wrong about me. it's generally the reason that i'm doing my best so shortly after giant things in my life fall to absolute ruin. because then, with people's assumptions about my capabilities sufficiently shattered, i can rise above those expectations and prove that i'm not what they think i am.
it works less well, however, when people are assuming that i'm doing well, because then i have to throw a monkey wrench into it to retain the imbalance.
and when nobody is thinking anything in particular about me, it becomes a game against myself, and when i'm thinking i'm doing well, i have to go out of my way to prove to MYSELF that i'm not. and then, in completion of the cycle, i ruin my life, or a part of it at least, again. and in that ruin, i find my salvation, as i, then convinced of my own worthlessness, seek to prove to myself once more that i'm functional and whole.
there must be a way off the see-saw. there must.
because it's pointless to prove things when either one of them could be true one hundred per cent of the time were i only to stop having to be right over something that has to be wrong.
there is no need for the constant opposition, except that without it, i have nothing driving me.
and there's the real matter.
what drives people?
i don't know.
maybe i'm not one of them.

what does perfection mean?

a note... i'm just musing out loud, so don't take anything you might perceive within these lines as terribly serious or imperative. however, feel free to offer a word or two of advice or understanding if it is yours to offer.

i've owned a lot of cars.
still, i seek the perfect automobile.
sometimes, i think i've found one... it has all the features i want, all the options, all the capabilities that set it apart from the lemons in the newspaper ads.
but you know, despite the way it handles, the brilliant sound of the sound system, the incredibly smooth suspension, there is something about it that just doesn't quite sit right. don't ask me why, there's probably no logical reason for it, i'm just not quite comfortable, i feel like i'm constantly a visitor in it, like it belongs to someone else and i'm just driving it in their absense, and it keeps the drive from being the real experience i'm looking for.
but it could always be me... maybe i'm just off. maybe, if i were feeling a little better about myself, i would be more at peace with the new wheels.
or maybe i need to change what i'm looking for.
i guess i'm just not sure what's important, as usual. i mean, it seems stupid to me, from a logic standpoint, to drive something that doesn't handle all that well, that makes noise, that might not be as certain to impress people or win awards or show others that i'm smart and capable and able to always make the best choice.
but what is it to anyone but me, if in the end, i spend my life making all the "right" choices and still feeling marginally wrong? isn't that just as silly?
maybe i'd be happier owning the jalopy and borrowing the roadster sometimes, because it's fun to drive but might not be the car i understand.
i dunno. i'm babbling i think. it's often a mistake for me to think out loud, even when that thinking is obscured in the safety of unrelated words... i muse, but in the end, i will let time and experience tell the tale... i will continue, for the time being, to drive the new car, and hope that the awkwardness i feel will dissipate.

the TRUTH? i can't HANDLE the TRUTH...

so, i just finished reading "the thornbirds". excellent book. that's two in a row, that following on the heels of "not wanted on the voyage", another book that anyone capable of feeling pain should read. not for the feeling, but for the beauty of justification, of validation, of recognition that goes somehow beyond understanding and into the realm of hope's creation out of that pain.
but it's all got me thinking a little too much.
both books are replete with characters that have their own realities, their own truths, and they are all so undeniable that it has me questioning, again, what truth is.
one might be so afraid as to think that they must pretend that nothing is wrong. another might be accutely aware of his own shortcomings, but full also of assurance in the reality of his character, to the point where he decides he must simply accept who he is, accept the inevitable. another might be so strong that they determine to shape their life to their own whims and no others, and the inevitable will just have to accept them, instead.
but are any of these truth? are we more truthful, more honest, when we simply accept who we "are", or when we actively decide who we want to be, even if putting that person into practice sometimes feels like pretense, like a charade that we're playing, hoping that we can fool others long enough for it to be real?
the books each also deal with religion, another bone upon which i have been gnawing of late. both speak passionately, if not positively, of religion, but primarily religion as man has invented, shaped, controlled, and used it. it's impossible, after all, to make a case against God. but a case against man, against his loose constructs of faith? all too easy, and often more perceptive than we're prepared for.
i want faith, i truly do. i had it, once, and it's current absense makes me sadder than i can understand, even though i am otherwise less sad than i have been in a long, long time.
but i used to be able to stand in church, worship, stretch my hand out, and feel God's hand taking mine in his, feel the security, the love extended. now i try to sing and it feels like i'm doing it for them, it feels phony because i don't believe in the church anymore. it's like i'm driving to rome, and the destination remains the same, but i can't honestly believe i'm going because i don't believe in the vehicle anymore. it's wheels are flat, it has no gas, and i hate it's shape, it's uncomfortable contours, it's ugly color that reminds me so much of anything but God, anything but hope.
i'm not saying i don't share my own share of the blame... as the distance remains, it becomes easier to rely on other things to fill that gap, regardless of their inability to suffice, to last, to make me feel as complete. i fail as much as anyone... but now, i feel i have few, if any, true places to express my sorrow over it, to receive forgiveness.
i love the concept of confession as it remains in the catholic church. if it wern't for that whole "praying to mary" thing, i'd probably find catholocism a fine religion. but i'm not really looking for a religion right now... i'm just looking for my friend, God, because i miss Him.
and maybe He would be able to shed some light on this whole truth business, as well, it's another of the things i appreciate about Him, He's so insightful sometimes. probably comes with knowing absolutely everything. but if He does, then he must know how i feel, how this absense hurts.
i hope He knows, at least.

for now, what tears i shed, i still shed for characters in books. i love it, it makes me feel vital, and alive, and like i'm a part of the earth because some fragment of it seems to understand me, and let me understand it in return.
but sometime, soon, i must shed tears for myself, for others, for God, in honesty and in truth, and perhaps then things will feel more real, and the world will again be mine.
i hate the struggle, but i still believe i can love the result.

and that, at least, is hope.

a new public service

brought on by a spate of aggravation at the concept that it could possibly cost 25 dollars for a hundred checks just so i can use my checking account, i thought it might be interesting to pose the question, "just what is it a bank actually does"?
but rather than just asking the question, i'm going to offer my services as a bank instead.
here's how it's going to work.
i'll hold your wallet.
that'll be 5 bucks, please.
i promise nobody will steal anything from it.
however, that said, if i happen to make a mistake, 5 of your dollars might end up in jim's wallet instead.
hope you don't mind.
you'll get it back.
eventually.
maybe.
now, say you want your money.
that'll be another 5 bucks, i'm afraid.
no, really. you have to pay to have your money back.
don't worry, it's perfectly normal.
of course it's still yours.
at least you CAN get it back.
unless i forget where i put your wallet, of course.
then you might have to wait.
sorry.
i can give you better protection from the mistakes i might make.
it'll cost you, though.
i'm pretty sure you've used as much of your money as your allowed to this month, anyway.
so if you want to use more, i'm afraid there's a service fee.
don't blame me, you can easily get rid of these fees by simply paying more for the initial plan.
what do you mean, that works out to the same thing?
i'm sorry, i can't listen to your ranting anymore.
at least not without charging a fee for the service.
i hope you understand.
and thanks again for the money.

so, someone tell me, please, how i can get in on this action. because hey, free money.